BATTLEFIELD OF THE HEART..... Thought Nibbles with jozie

Alone I sat in a crowd of people, yet I felt lonely, merry sounds, people cheering, yet I felt weary, chattering and muttering all around me but yet I was speechless, love seemed to be in the air, cupid’s arrows flying everywhere yet it seemed not meet me, cupid missed me, seemed to me like he was the only one who missed me.

The feelings in my heart I can not express nor explain, how do you explain sadness with just the right amount of hurt mixed with a dose of pain served hot and cold with regret at the side, a hint of lost passion not totally lost but not  completely found either, for spice. Imagine eating such a meal for breakfast, lunch and dinner with the spoon of headache and fork of heartache, knife was the only cutlery missing from this dish, it was buried deep within my heart. This was my meal every single day, dessert wasn’t easy to chew; it was a pain cake, baked in the oven of intense hurt at a degree no human should be subjected to, all of these are microwaved in lies before they are served on the ceramic plate of broken promises.

You’re not the restaurant I used to know, you moved from that avenue close to my heart, swept all your belongings but somehow managed to forget your knife. Wife was the name I thought I’d call you for life, this was no beehive but sure stung like one, ours was a worker and queen relationship, I worked to please you my queen but Honey you never gave me no honey to taste, so I never tasted of your sweet nectar, oh! Sorry I did taste of it; it was a bitter experience.

You changed your address but dressed the same so I thought you were still mine, you still called me “my love” but I wasn’t yours neither was I loved by you, no not anymore. Your words said you did but your actions testified against you, I couldn’t doubt them for they were faithful witnesses who bring no false accusations. Even before reading the book I understood your love language and boy did I speak it so fluently, after reading the book you learnt my love language but refused speaking it, you preferred hearing yours.

I came into your life to be a guide through the strenuous journey of life, to be a light in time of darkness, to be a lifeboat when your ship appears to be sinking, to be a shoulder when you need to cry and be joker when you need a laugh.
I was a help in time of need, didn’t have money but I sure gave you honey from the sweet nectar that is my life, didn’t have a car but I walked miles for you, you needed assistance, I went quite a distance trying to get it for you.

You were confused, I offered clarity till you were amused, you were wounded, felt the pain just as much as you did, I was connected to you cos I shared my heart with you,
but you gave me your chest in place of a heart, thought I could rest on the chest but after awhile even that you took away, when I called after you, you looked away as if ashamed that I had no heart of my own but even without a heart my love for you withstood the attacks, fought for you with hopes of winning the war.

Battle after battle I was wounded, just as I was nursing my wounds I would be attacked again, thought it was all worth it; after all I was fighting for love. Do they not say that Love is not true until its worth dying for? For only then is it referred to as undying love but how do you fight a battle when the person you are fighting for is fighting against you…
I might have wounded you once or twice but I never scarred you cos wounds heal but scars don’t they leave marks, I left with a truckload of scars, the irony; scars from fighting for you and not fighting with you…

Is that battle cries I hear?
Tears, weeping and wailing, groaning, shouting and running, battlefield of the heart; my heart is a warzone, my mind was in conflict with me, we didn’t see eye to eye, I was fighting a loosing battle, chaos was the norm, I run to you seeking solace, hoping for a covering then I step on a landmine, I freeze, the moment I move, you explode in my face, feats and tantrums you throw, grenade explosions I hear till I am going deaf, deafening silence I wish but if I do get the silence; it becomes too loud.

I wished for peace but piece by piece I watched as my peace was torn to pieces,
fragments of me here and there until I couldn’t recognize what was left of me.
In trying to save you I had lost myself, now who’s gon’ save me?
Who’s gon’ want an incomplete piece of a scattered puzzle?
I was shattered, all hopes lost,
I myself was lost, lost at sea, winds of troubles tossing me on waves of struggles,
I was drowning, wish I could walk on water but even if I did, my feet couldn’t carry me as they were weak, wobbly and shaky was my frame, I became the shadow and my shadow became me, I faded to the background, blended with emptiness, that was the realm in which I lived.

Like a shadow emerging from the darkness, light shone in my darkest hour, in a minute every darkness was dispelled, I was spellbound as I watched my savior riding on these troubled waves, whipping them into shape, they were behaving themselves, they became calm as though cold water’s been poured on them, he told ‘em “chill”.
With an outstretched arm my savior took my hand, strange though was the fact that blood was dripping from my savior’s hand, bleeding from the sides, by the blood of sacrifice I was rescued from destruction, my soul was restored, joy returned, peace became my wife and she took care of me.
I was made whole no piece missing, I was eating the food of angels, my diet had changed, I became robust and full of life. I am alive today because my savior rescued me. He’s in the rescue business He can rescue you too.
@ThoughtNibbles